TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS
I believe that one of the reasons my eating disorder felt so… intoxicating and euphoric to me was because I was getting ever closer to an all-consuming, lifelong goal: to become as small as possible.
I desperately wanted to slip under the radar, to be slight and insignificant. I didn’t think I deserved to take up space. I felt, very deeply, that I didn’t deserve attention, or acknowledgement. Power and presence was something that just didn’t belong to me.
I had, my entire life, tried to mould myself into the tiniest possible package - not just my body, but my thoughts, opinions, ideas and personality. I feel like I placed a thumb over the garden hose, stifling the flow so only a fraction was let free. It’s what women are taught to do - whether overtly or covertly. Be as small as possible, take up as little space as possible.
Realising that I was worth a spot in the world, that I had something to say that was worth hearing and that I was physically allowed to take up the space I needed, wasn’t an overnight thing. It’s something I’ve stepped into very gradually - in large part thanks to what I do on here. This platform has given me the voice I never knew I could project.
Which brings me to you - I imagine lots of you can resonate with bits and pieces of the above. I think what most of us here have in common is the pressure we feel to become as physically small as possible. Mostly dictated by men. But we can be done with that. We are allowed to step outside of our comfort zones and occupy spaces we didn’t think belonged to us. Because they do!
Take up the space you deserve.